Concern

you know, there’s actually so much love around you. it’s just whether you see it or not. sometimes, a switch of perspective helps.

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today, i ate breakfast on the way to fxt. it wasn’t too bad..hahaha! of course i think my sausage bun almost rotted in the sun while waiting at the stupid pedestrian crossing. i came back, read some shakespeare and then started working on a short write-up to introduce Paris in the registration booklet for the upcoming trip. it sounds really good now, france! hahaa..WELL, just a language barrier…

lunch came and so we tropped off claudia, nicole, carol and i to bk. and guess who we met? ruby and her man! okay, her man looks like her. as in, they seriously look alike. hahaha! it was so funny, we thought they were siblings and then i thought about it and went ‘no, she doesnt have a brother!’ and then they went ‘oh yeah, terence said they look alike!’, hahaa! majorly weird if your significant other looks like you.

doing flight manifests a second time = second chance here brought up some amount of anxiety, we all know what happened to the OTHER flight manifests i worked on/messed up (whichever you choose, depending how sympathetic you want to be to me) dont we? well, i had some help and there were WAY less people this time, so i think i got most of it fine. just that i have to still get the hang of the codes and stuff..

im really thankful for seriously caring colleagues. from when i got to know them better, throughout dubai and now, even after. it helps when theres some support

neuromonics. okay, it’s not that i think it’s not helping, it is, according to their standards. but i cant seem to get used to it. i have 3 or 4 of those sounds, and one, the most dominant is currently intermittent. this is hugely distracting, unpredictable and very difficult to deal with. and it’s so weird to complain about it when everyone around me is so ‘into it’, you know, they’re all so hyped about me ‘getting better’. and i dont know if i’m getting better.

dinner at some nearby mtfaber nasi lemak place. it was average, i wasnt too hungry so yeah..i came home, showered and yeah..we had a visit from ethel’s mom and her sister.. so i hung around with janel, watched tv, gave her some chocolate and yeah..here we are.

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because there’s good in everything.

Pent Up

monday was a horrific day for me.

1. i got hit by a car.

2. my tinnitus got intermittent again.

3. i fell down!

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tuesday. i took the day off and gave the shri plaque that’s been sitting on my desk to the lecturers. then i was compelled to sit with them for lunch..hahah..roight..abit weird..but its cool. it seems there’s only 41 people taking HR this sem..following this..

wtf. my shoe-shopping did not werk out. seriously screwed up. and to hell with my world of sports voucher. fracking people..got me to go from outlet to outlet to find what i want, each saying the next outlet ‘definitely has what [you] i want’. frikkin hell. i just met dad at borders in a very tired state and bought a book, i used the borders 20bucks i had…

i came home and yesh…i ordered online..please click here to view. it’s not the one i was hunting for from world of sports. seriously..bad, bad experience. i dint lash out at anyone thinking it was my off-day, what right have i to screw another person’s day at work right?

eeee’s birthday dinner at jumbo seafood serangoon gardens country club cos dad had a voucher..uncle weng came..k, uncle weng is eeee’s brother who like never ever comes for family dinners..i dont know why…

the siblings, and they’re BOTH smiling!!!

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im getting DAMN frustrated with this frackin tinnitus basically.

on the bright side, we had dinner at mama’s. and betty bought me coffee from vietnam, YAY!

and err..im going to dubai! err yeah. it’s all fine and dandy, BUT its, over the weekend. that means no riding, and yeah, other stuff..so, im quite bummed.

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im so pissed. i’ve been fucking itchy last night and tonight. im beyond caring what i should and shouldnt eat. seriously, wtf. i think and abstain, i itch. i dont care, i itch or i sneeze or get one of those ‘ventolin episodes’. makes no difference. seriously man. i am SICK of it.

dont even get me started on my tinnitus.

Who Says I’m Angry, No, I’m Not!

im fucking pissed with the neuromonics. or maybe it’s my being unthinking about it all, while trying to be practical. now, i cant wear it in the office cos the volume’s at minimum and is ‘not therapeutic’. therefore, i must wear it on the way to work, lunch and on the way home from work. wtf. seriously. it’s fucking up my life’s pattern. and i only have 4 tracks on the device. im not saying i want to discontinue, but MAYBE if i had more hours in a day and i dint have tinnitus to start with, this would all be better. i’m willing to try if it may help my tinnitus, but it seems to be so troublesome to keep on with this treatment.

and then i had a small ‘questioning’ at my review session today on ‘how come i didnt wear the device on the 27th of march’. okay. I LEFT IT IN THE OFFICE. period. dammit. omg.

and then im feeling REALLY pressured about this thing cos the damage is 6000 bucks. so i cannot drop it/spoil it and i must use it everyday without fail for at least 2 hours. and it’s really freaky cos the thing tracks what time i wear it, on what date and at what volume. wah lao. i dont even know what to feel la. the guy said..’what about lunch time?’ and i just kept quiet. i mean seriously, do i NOT have some sort of social life?

and the thing about the contraption is that the buttons can’t lock. and i can’t set a constant vol, so every time i switch on, i’ve to think so much. the volume must be above minimum, comparable to my tinnitus and not drowning it out..

who says my my ipod music is better, NO, i’d much rather listen to the neuromonics. who said i like hiphop better than the zen-nish stuff playing on the device? who said it’s pressurizing? no, it’s not, only compulsory 2 hours per day, every single day. who says i feel pressured? who says i don’t like concentrating on setting the volume, ’setting and forgetting’ is VERY easy, what? just press the + button and set it EVERY time you wear it! it’s okay!

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my morning was basically screwed. my ipod ran out of battery. erika without an mp3 player is like a mental cripple or something. i’ve grown so dependant on it. so i did neuromonics. roight. roight.

work however was uneventful..just tickets. and more tickets. and then i had to make some calls and stuff. so i lunch-ed with claudia. there was extra food from some airline briefing, i think..so we had this packet of nasi lemak-ish stuff. BUT, with beehoon. it was good! delivered from lee wee brothers or something. i lunch-ed with claudia in the pantry and then ruby and betty joined us. we were chatting about their time in Ho Chi Minh mostly..hahaha! quite interesting finding out from first-timers and from many-timer-claudia, hahhaaha! and no, Tour Leaders/Managers dont exactly have a GREAT, LUXURIOUS job. yes, they travel, but nah, it’s not your average holiday…

i made more calls. i spoke to this really nice lady. very refreshing to speak to someone pleasant on the phone. someone genuinely interested in what you have to say, makes conversation and asks intelligent, calculated questions. im glad i spoke to her. it made my day.

of course there was this lady. i spoke to her, overheard her side-conversation with her friends/colleagues, heard her friends/colleagues multiple conversations, spoke to her secretary, called her secretary back and got scolded by her secretary. okay. i’ve never been a secretary, corporate/personal assistant and so i’ll never know what it’s like. but isn’t it a general skill for everyone to have - to be polite? especially for secretaries, since they’re kinda like agents for their bosses/employers? SHEESH man. okay. i speak quickly, but really, i genuinely want to help you, so don’t yell at me for stuff that’s not my fault, it kills my morale. i can shrug alot, alot, off. but please, don’t push me. *sing it now!* she’s the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, bitch-bitch-bitch-bitch-bitch!

You’ll Wear A Different Chain

today, we went to PSA for lunch. i tried to look for Jessica’s nasi padang stall. i couldnt find it..i was like..ehh, thats not Jess, she doesnt wear a tudong…HAHA, catholic kid in a nasi padang joint! anyways, i tried the nasi padang that claudia suggested, the one ‘near the escalator’. okay, for the uninformed, i work somewhere near shenton way. but closer to the Tanjong Pagar PSA place..yeah, so IF you can visualize this place and you think there’s a coffeeshop along the long row of coffeeshops that sells bak kut teh and only nothing else, you’ve got the right one in mind.

ANYWAYS! my lunch was good, and i had a dose of COKE! wow. okay, i was really high in the office after that.. so i was yakking about compound eyes, playing on FreeRice and then proceeded to dress and organize tix.

i left at 6pm and i got home in time for dinner with the family. i was quite happy for this..now that im working, the 4 of us rarely have dinner at home.. i told them about my day and it seems like my dad knows ALOT of names i mention… it’s abit freaky sometimes.. i think it’s cos we’re dealing with his fellow industry-men. i like this refreshing layout for wordpress.. it’s abit more pro..and more sleek. okay, most of you aren’t on wordpress, so you wont know anyways..

on saturday, i think i mentioned going to brauhaus for dinner? did i? anyway, i did and that was at united square. something else happened - we stopped by Guardian to try to get shampoo supply replenished..err, okay, my family’s been using Organics (now Sunsilk) and the one with yellow packaging. i think it’s the one with egg-protein or something. why specifically that one? BECAUSE it doesnt have outrageous/essential oil additives in it. this means it works for me (meaning i wont have a terrible ITCH after showering) because when i tried something with ’soothing Camomile’, my, i almost died taking a bath. on saturday, we found out that Sunsilk has decided to improve it’s business and appeal by changing the formulae of their current range of shampoos. now the yellow one has Almond Oil in it. okay. i dont wanna try it. the others have other essential oils in them, which are hardly essential for me. i mean, wth, i just want a simple shampoo.

im resorting to SIlkpro..yes, the one on TV! hahhahaa, since it’s supposed to be SO excellent, im going to try it. and the one for Normal/Dry Scalp, mine being normal, im quite sure, having little or no strange ‘essential’ additives.. so i hope it works out.

i think for the amount i save on make-up and other beauty products, i spend for other items, most recently of course, shampoo. on a normal basis, the frikkin rice crackers i eat for breakfast (substitute for bread) and my god-damned toothpaste. wah lao. that one is really, really, expensive. WHY? cos mint is on my no-no list. soon, everything edible is going to be on it. why..it’s already halfway there!

and my frackin tinnitus also. wtf la okay?! for the uneducated..this is tinnitus according to Wikipedia..this is how big it is and how many people have the problem to varying degrees (american Tinnitus association)..and here (British Tinnitus Association)..here is a brief of what it is..and this is something more in-depth..

okay, so i want schokolade..and junk food..like tomato twisties or something..but then..im not good with any kind of junk food. tsk. wth. OKAY. the more i think of it, the more im ceasing to care and wanting to have more and more junk food!

im trying to read the economist print edition that dad subscribes to in an effort to get myself in touch with worldly happenings… i tried the online one at work, i also tried newsweek at work. guess where i ended up? THE ONION!

and specifically..

Mead Releases New Grad School–Ruled Notebook

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this is the Girl Test that ethel got me to do..

01. (X) I did ballet
02. ( ) I did gymnastics
03. () I paint my fingernails/toenails
04. () I have worn flip flops as anything other than beach wear
05. (X) I own clothes that are pink
06. ( ) I watch Dr Who because I fancy the Doctor (who is Dr Who??? -.-)
07. () I own hair straighteners
08. ( ) I drink alco pops (i.e. grape Smirnoffs ice, etc.)
09. () I enjoy clothes shopping
10. ( ) I keep a teddy bear on my bed
11. () I prefer high heels to flats
12. () I don’t know the “offside rule”
13. ( ) I prefer diet drinks to full calories
14. () I love bubble baths
15. () I read lifestyle magazines
16. (X) Valentine’s day is a good thing
17. () I would love to have a photo shoot
18. () I love to get dressed up
19. (X) I use a hair dryer
20. () I am scared of spiders
21. ( ) I use fake tanning products
22. (X) I can’t change a tyre
23. () I can’t change a plug
24. (X) I have thought about names for my as yet unconceived children
25. ( ) I go to the gym in preference to doing sport
26. () I see myself as fatter than I am
27. () I like to receive flowers
28. () I like things that are pretty for pretty’s sake
29. (X) I enjoy talking on the phone
30. ( ) Cushions have a point
31. ( ) I accessorize
32. () I ‘coo’ over babies
33. (x) I keep a diary
34. (X) I eat salads in restaurants
35. () I am on/have been on a diet
36. () I like chick flicks
37. ( ) I won’t leave the house without make up
38. () I enjoyed/would enjoy being a bridesmaid
39. () Weddings are romantic
40. (X) I exfoliate my skin-ive tried.
41. ( ) I have a skincare routine and stick to it religiously
42. () I sunbathe
43. ( ) Camping is wrong
44. () I like to read books that involve romance
45. (X) I have more female friends than male (in recent months, yes)
46. () I don’t like football
47. ( ) I don’t like to do any activities that may break my nails
48. ( ) I go to beauty salons
49. () I have matching underwear
50. (X) I don’t drink pints
51. () I like glitter
52. (x) I take vitamin supplements regularly
53. (X) I have read a self-help book
54. () I like going into gift shops
55. (X) Chocolate is wonderful
56. (X) I know what pilates is
57. (X) I tell my female best friend everything
58. () I own concealer
59. () I take great pride in wrapping presents well
60. ( ) I have been known to ‘flutter’ my eyelashes
61. () I always take a handbag out with me
62. ( ) I use lip balm whether I have chapped lips or not
63. () I believed in fairies
64. () I enjoyed playing with Barbie/Sindy dolls as a child
65. (X) I own more than 5 teddy bears-but not bears
66. () I own more than 10 pairs of shoes
67. () I worry about cellulite
68. ( ) I know the names of all of my friends’ children
69. ( ) The number 69 isn’t just about sex, you know..
70. (X) I have more than one hand bag - just bags…
71. ( ) I have no sense of direction
72. () It takes me longer than 30 minutes to get ready in the morning
73. ( ) I like candles
74. () My significant other expecting me to be ready to go out in 5 minutes is simply unreasonable
75. ( ) I read my horoscope
76. ( ) I read my significant other’s horoscope
77. ( ) Wearing too much black drains the colour out of me
78. ( ) I don’t do DIY
79. ( ) I use eye cream
80. () I wanted to be a princess when I was little
81. (X) Farting in front of anyone is deeply embarrassing
82. ( ) I drink 8 glasses of water a day
83. ( ) I use at least SPF15 on my face every day
84. ( ) I can’t punch
85. ( ) I get bra fitted on a regular basis
86. ( ) I dance at parties without needing to be drunk
87. (X) The ladies’ toilets have social significance
88. () I don’t like violence in films
89. ( ) I have never climbed a tree
90. () Not being able to shower every day would be unbearable
91. (X) Girls’ nights out/in are fabulous
92. (X) I wear skirts out of choice
93. () I have been referred to as ‘giggly’
94. () I like to be ‘pretty’
95. (X) Men are from Mars and women are from Venus
96. () Bakeries are a den of temptation
97. () Baby clothes are just so adorable
98. () I drink herbal tea
99. ( ) I have been known to put on a ‘girly’ voice
100.(X) I love jewellery-they’re fine!

OKAY, im 25% girl. hmm. aiight *swaggers away.

He IS B.O.

omg, sick. my trip home was the earliest this week BUT. there was this guy. omg. he had a SMELL bigger than him. small sized nerdy-geekboy and omg. holy frikkin hell. it was horrific. and it was crowded and yes. ewww.

today was a tiring day cos i was on the phone alot. and i encountered an obviously INSANE man who’s obsessed with aisle seats. and a lady who obviously did not like speaking to me.

i had dinner at uni’s and wow, she’s gettin fat. fat-fat-fat. it’s sick.

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who’s your daddy…? 

Loco

okay. i was supposed to meet the toes but then work piled up and i screwed quite alot of it. therefore. i got over it. in fact, i ended having not too bad an evening thanks to the company i had. i must say i like the way the office people work. and no, i havent seen as much patience displayed on the phone as claudia and nicole. they deserve a kowtow in that area among others.

work was screwed mainly because.of.my.fucking.tinnitus.

but okay.

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idp can go and fuck its bloody self. like seriously. what the fuck. tomorrow. they’re gonna get a phone call. and yes. i am angry.

Take What’s Mine

1. my tinnitus needs to stop bothering me. havent i mentioned, i ACTUALLY want to get on with my life.

2. i need to decide what to wear faster in the morning.

3. i need to remember to bring my wallet every morning. i got SO uber pissed this morning cos i had to walk my skinny ass back home to get it.

4. work is getting better.

5. i need to eat a different thing at lunch. i’ve been eating ALOT of ban mee, not good for me, but yeah..

6. i need to stop being distracted at work…no? and it begins in the morning..

7. i need to stop tripping over my pen preference.

8. my rubik’s cube, need i say more?

9. stop singing the alphabet song and actually start knowing the sequence of the alphabet.

10. stop humming khia’s ‘my neck, my back’ because it’s obscene.

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i am heavy debt, no way you can pay me; i am your pain, no way you can take me.

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like a boy…

On the Record

i dont like tedious work. period.

More

on one note, if i didnt already mention, my tinnitus is back to normal. okay, it got wonky on thursday morning. the pneumatic drill noise got intermittent. as of 2 or so in the afternoon yesterday, it’s back to the normal 24/7 sort. im not sure what to feel about this.

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today at work, my work got more interesting. i got to deal with invoices. okay, i hope i dont mess up the payments. WOW. really freaky sorting them out. eww please.

i had a conversation with ethel yesterday about my previous post titled ‘Hakuna Matata’ and how this guy Brad posted a comment. i didnt write the post to receive any comment whatsoever, it’s not that i dont like getting them, i do. i just didnt expect anyone to post anything in response to that post, people usually dont comment on my posts anyway, and even if they did they’d usually just say hi.

she thinks Brad is right and im starting to think it too. if mass and stuff are expressions of an inward feeling, we should just keep to the inward feeling. that’s not to say that mass and such are not important, they are. but, for example, if someone doesnt go to mass doesnt mean that he/she’s a bad catholic. of course, it would be preferred if you did attend mass and did all the things you’re supposed to. but in the end, i think it’s just about me [you] and God. like i say to people and try to apply in my relationships: it’s me and you. NOT me, you and the rest of the world. maybe it’s true.

and think about it, what if God only judged you for what you are and your relationship with him, rather than whether or not you attended mass? ha, i think more(or less people, depending on the way you think about it) would be marked ‘good for heaven’.

so…i shall now pray for a nicer relationship, okay, closer relationship with God. however that works…err, yeah, i’ll work on it. you know, sometimes, i look at my friends, especially jasmine, sam and cheryl and wonder how they have so much faith in God and in prayers and things. that they can manage to see God in everyday stuff that doenst occur to me at all! okay, i may not agree with ALL of it, but i still admire how they have so much trust. like i said, i’ll work on it.

Hakuna Matata

what a wonderful phrase, Hakuna Matata, aint no passing craze!! it means no worries for the end of your days, it’s our problem-free philosophy, Hakuna Matata…

today, jude came over to print some uni stuff, im so glad she’s well..and i hope things work out for her because i honestly believe that she deserves it.

lunch was with the folks at tiong bahru YEAHHHH i dont even know what it is about that coffee shop, i just like it. it’s just yongtaufoo and zaimaifun. but it’s so nice..okay, see, this is the part of me that likes hawker food talking.. im completely obsessed with that coffeeshop.

here is some better news, my cramps are better… the tinnitus is absolutely annoying though…ROAR.

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i shall go for easter vigil this evening, did i tell you? easter vigil mass is my favorite mass of the year. okay, im not exactly too religious, pious or anything like that. i just feel all nice when it’s easter.

this year, good friday didnt hit me at a good time. i happened to think, during stations of the cross, that no, i can’t accept all my crosses. no, i havent yet accepted (even though i sincerely try to make myself believe that i have) my tinnitus and my food intolerances. and as a result, i did not participate in any part of stations or the service, besides going through the motions (standing, kneeling and communion). some people would say that i shouldnt even have the right to celebrate Easter if i didnt go through Holy Week, truly believing, being completely repentant, penitant and feeling the whole spirit of Lent.

so i suppose, yes, im just going (and have so in previous years, even to mass very week) to Easter Vigil for the atmosphere which i very much enjoy (yes, it makes me proud im catholic at easter, it’s one of those times where i think and realise that i havent yet come across any such mass/service, as reverant, meaningful and yet jubilant, with such attention to rite and ritual as an Easter Vigil).

i know that there are many parts of my life which most people, both Catholic/Christian and others, would frown upon. no, i do not abstain from meat on fridays, i don’t go for Lenten Vigil (because i find it boring and very draggy, sleepy - plus because it’s an overnighter, it has a tendency to disrupt my sleep pattern which is an important part for me for medical reasons), i am not in any religious ministry and i do not participate actively at mass. many a time, i do think i’ll be doomed and sent straight to hell. and no, i can’t account for alot of things that i’ve done when it all comes back to me at Judgement Day.

here, i recognize that i am not the most faithful, not the greatest of all catholics and i seem like i like going to church only during the happy times. but i believe in God and go for mass without fail every sunday. as for the other stuff, i’m working it out.