One Track Mind

today i had breakfast at yakun myself at j8 and then walked around.. it was quite pleasant, spending time with me. =)

i got sent for dental at dr ang’s, park mall and then i met charmo for lunch..okay, we met sylvester her bro for coffee and then we had lunch.. it was so good seeing her again! i think we’ve come a long way from sec1. hahaa! yeah…

i went for neuromonics. and i told the guy all about how i dont see the point and everything-i got told the same thing. got sung the same song. as with everything about my tinnitus: same shit, different day.

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i had a conversation on the phone last night and i got abit emo BUT i was so grateful. i think it’s about time that i spent some time on me. not money, time. i think i’ve been out seeing people and spending time with everyone but me. and it’s not wrong, i dont think i regret seeing the people i’ve seen or am scheduled to see. i think i’ve made the decision and planned to see them obviously because i wanted to and i think it’s worth it. it’s just come to a point where i’ve realised what a chaotic mess im in. i’m not packed. i’m messing up dates. this and that, when i actually have an organizer. i have a date-book which i actually fill in and use, but i’ve just been going through the motions, not really putting alot of thought into what i’m doing. 

i’ve been meaning to make a list of things to bring and things to do before i go, but i haven’t. my desk is in a complete mess which i’ve just allowed to pile up and i’ve not actually sorted anything out yet. i’m freaking out and im not doing much about it. and i guess im not because some bit of me just wishes i’m staying. and no, i dont think i’m PREPARED to go. i think its just the hype that’s been getting me through this time. i havent really sat down and thought about what it’ll ACTUALLY be like living in another country that’s not asian. and no, i havent really thought about living with an OZ family. im not saying i dont want to go, or i regret my decision to go. it’s the pre-trip jitters. and i just need to get over it.

you know how this couple of weeks, i’ve been looking for stuff that’d help me: stationery, clothes, jackets. i think i should stop, take stock of what i have, center myself and really prepare MYSELF to go. all this time, i’ve been preparing my STUFF to go, preparing OTHER PEOPLE for my going. okay, you may think “erika, what is the problem? it’s only 2 years, you’ll be back prolly at the end of the year, maybe early next year, you’ll see everyone again, you can buy it when you’re back…”. you see, it’s not like that for me. they’re right, i will be back, it IS only 2 years. but i’d like my transition there to be quite seamless. i dont want to get over there and find out i’ve to re-buy stuff there cos i didnt bring it over. not that i WONT do any shopping there, i will. i want to be able to go over there knowing that i already have most of what i need and settle in nicely. 

not many people know this about me, but im not big on change. i know (rationally) that it’s good. i know that once im there, i will adapt. i know that i will have fun. i know that ive been there before, i know that aunty freida’s there. i know that after 2 years, i will eventually come back here. however, i KNOW also that i like familiarity and i like routine. im not saying i lead a boring life and love it. im just saying that i like to have bits of familiarity around me. it makes me feel comfy. im not materialistic, but i am HUGELY attached to some of my things. it’s one of those things about me: like i can’t function normally if im not wearing a watch. i guess i am kind of sentimental. okay, not the have-alot-of-photos-all-over-the-place type but yeah. 

therefore, i am going to take some time out and be with me before i go

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She’s a natural law, and she leaves me in awe
She deserves the applause, I surrender because
She used to look good to me, but now I find her…